Birds

These birds are driving me crazy. They keep defecating on my brand new Owens Corning True Definition Terra cotta masterpiece. I have to go up and hose off their crap every day. Swoop and poop, Swoop and poop. I think they are Obama birds. They see something good and immediately feel the need to mess it up.

Be glad they aren’t pidgeons! We had a guy get deathly sick from pidgeon s**t doing a tear-off on an old NASTY victorian.

Xray, them damn Obama liberal birds! Get a 12 G shotgun & some bird shot!

This is the first time I have ever heard of a homeowner looking at his roof so much he notices bird crap lol. I doubt anyone else would notice it you didn’t bother with it.

Get one of those owls you put on the ridge. If it rotates w/the wind even better.

I used to like birds
I’ve been a card carrying member of the Audobon society for 20 years but I realize now these flying vermin are a pestilence on humanity. I’ve torn up my card and mailed in my resignation.
I tried blasting em with Justin Bieber music but they actually seemed to like it. I guess to birdy ears he sounds like Johnny Cash.
It was during the 6th song called “Never Let Go”, 3 canadian geese came out of nowhere and “Let Go” like there was no tomorrow.
The American birds are bad enough, I’m not going to put up with a bunch of foreigners sh_tting all over my roof.
I shoo these birds away and they just fly into the neighbors trees or onto the power lines and then sit there watching me, waiting for me to turn my back.
These birds are mocking me. This is war!!
I don’t know much about guns but it time for me to Stand my Ground.
I’m buying a Model 10 carbine tonight.
My friend recommended an MP5 but I’m done trying to scare these birds with music.
A man has a right to defend his home.

You think that’s bad, up here in Canada I have to deal with the American Magpie. These things make all kinds of noise (while not saying anything), they gang up and steal my dogs food while he’s having a nap, dang opportunists. They have kicked the Indigenous birds out of the area and have annexed many trees that did not belong to them before. They act like they own everything…

But I got them, instead of shooing them away when they come to steal my dogs food, I put lots of kibbles on a small wooden table. Oh man these creatures gorged themselves. They ate and ate until it was all gone, I put more out, they came back and ate more.
Now they are too fat to fly around so they just hang out in the trees.

They have these shot gun shells called whistlers. Farmers used them to scare the birds out of the corn.

It’s harder than I thought to hit birds with a BB gun.
I’m going to take Bobs advice and get a 12 gauge shotgun.
I went to the pawn shop today and tried to buy one but they made me fill out some boneheaded background check form. there was a question about mental health issues. I checked no. They don’t have any way to check on that, do they?
They said the system was busy or something so they couldn’t get
the thing ok’d while I was there. They said If these checker guys don’t answer them in 3 days, I get the gun anyway.
When I came out of my house this morning those damn birds scattered, I didn’t actually hit any yesterday but they know I’m gunning for em. They can’t destroy my roof with impugnity while I’m around.
They also seem to know that I’m inside at night sleeping , They spend the whole night up there crapping their butts off and laughing their heads off. Tomorrow morning they’ll be laughing out the other side of their beaks.
I’m going to turn the tables on them. Tonight I’m sleeping on the roof myself. Of course I wont be able to hit them in the dark but by the dawns early light I will be able to see and I should be close enough that I can make an example of 2 or 3 of the little buggers before they know whats hit them.

As planned I spent the night on the roof, well most of it anyway.
I climbed up just before dark with my camouflage mummy sleeping bag,
My Model 10 carbine, binoculars, a snickers bar, a couple of cold buds and a funnel.

Naturally I wore my safety harness attached to an OSHA approved ridge anchor,
I’m not silly enough to be running around up there without the proper safety equipment.

The sleeping bag to keep me warm, the Model 10 is for blasting birds to smitherines,
binoculars just in case the neighbors leave their shades down, the snickers bar and beer for sustenance.

The funnel? Let’s be honest, Us older guys, sometimes we don’t make it all the way through the night without
needing to, well we got to take a load off our prostate. those plumbing vents run straight down to the sewer so
there’s no need for a man of my age to be climbing down ladders in the middle of the night.
The funnel just helps to make sure we don’t mess up our new roofs. after all the whole purpose of being up there
is to stop the birds from messin on the roof. That would be ironic wouldn’t it, if I inadvertly pee’d on my own roof.
Ha Ha, but no danger of that with the 4 inch funnel. It worked like a charm.

No luck with the neighbors shades so I drifted off early
with my feet propped up against the chimney to keep from sliding off.

It reminded me of when I used to sleep in the bathroom with my
feet propped against the door after p*ssing off the ex.
She was dangerous, luckily they wouldnt let her have a gun after the rice cooker incident,
but that’s another story. Anyway I knew she could pick the lock and could get a knife so I slept
on the bathroom floor with my feet up against the door. After that I’ve always slept better with
my feet propped up against something.

I remember using the funnel twice without incident, then I guess I must of been a little groggy
and left too much slack in the safety line cause sometime after that I slid off the roof.
In this case the feet against the chimney was a false sense of security

I was a couple of feet over the side and still in my sleeping bag. I couldn’t get the damn zipper down.
No point in yelling for help my wife is half deaf. Sometime after dawn, she strolled outside and found
me hanging there. She said I looked like a turd on a string. She’s a 4 letter word that starts with C.
She made me tell her I love her before she’d call for help.
She is verbally abusive and she never ties my shoes tight enough, but at least she never attacked me with a rice cooker.

Naturally the birds were laughing their @sses off while I dangled helplessly from the safety line.
The EMT guys seemed to think it was pretty amusing too. They wanted me to go in for a “Psychological” evaluation.
Like I was crazy or something.
I wouldn’t have gone but I was still stuck in the sleeping bag and they didn’t let me out
until after we got to the hospital. The Doc said they couldn’t hold me ( he could see those EMT guys
were just out to get me. Damn Bird lovers). They practically kidnapped me off my own roof.

Before Obamacare my insurance would have paid for this mess
They are crazy if they think I’m paying for that Obamulance ride.
Obama is giving all the convicts free, no deductible, no copay, choose
your own doctor health insurance and Us hard working law abiding citizens
get $5000 deductible, $100 copay you better keep your butt in network, unaffordable premium insurance.

Things will be easier once I get my shotgun.
I hope this incident doesn’t interfere with that background check thing.

Damn it Xray! What state do u live in? Most states u can show your driver’s lic. @ Walmart & walk out w/a 12G or .22! A .410 or 20G might not be so loud. How close do the neighbors live?

Just a guess but I’m thinking either Colorado or Washington

My guess for where he lives is some kind of fantasy world. Maybe tomorrow you can catch me a pet unicorn and be sure to say hi to the Easter bunny for me :smiley:

Ha, Ha, Ha! : ) Buy a falcon. They like pigeons.

I’m smack dab in the middle of Texas. I wasn’t born here but I got here just
as soon as I found out they practically never award alimony.
I know Texas aint behind all this bureaucratic red tape, It’s those Obamacrats in Washington .

How close are my Neighbors? I’m afraid I’d have to say They’re close enough to hit with my BB gun.
Those birds tricked me into firing in that direction. Now there’s one of those little impact craters
in their side window. I don’t think they noticed it yet but I took the BB gun back to the store so
if anybody asks I can honestly tell them I don’t even have a BB gun.

I think I saw one of them NSA drones flying around overhead but I don’t know for sure
if he was spying on me or not. Other than that there’s not much to tie me to that window.
It could of been those Mexican kids from down the street doing a drive by.
I’m pretty sure I saw them with BB guns. The gang mentality is rampant
around here. If the parents were more responsible, this type of thing wouldn’t be happening.

The Lady next door is hot but her husband is such a grouch. I don’t think he’ll have much
of a sense of humor about his window. He seemed to think I was staring at his wife too much.
I don’t know why that guy is so Paranoid but That’s why their shades are drawn
and that’s fine with me cause when they lift the shades they’re gonna see that little crater.

Well they turned me down for buying the shotgun.
Either those bird loving EMTs black balled me or it’s a case of mistaken identity.
If I was a mexican drug lord they’d be falling all over themselves to see how many
guns I’d be willing to take but an upstanding Citizen with good moral character
they have to run through the ringer.
I could appeal but it seems like a lot of trouble

I thought about nailing the sleeping bag to the roof so I wouldn’t
slide off again, but there’s no point in it without a gun
I’m still a little sore from yesterdays fiasco, got a kink in my neck.

I guess I’ll just have to get used to the damn birds.
Everybody else always sh_ts on me.
why should the birds be any different.
Im just glad cows don’t fly